What’s Mentionable is Manageable: Talking to Kids about Terrible Things
In the aftermath of the many recent tragic events—in Paris, Brussels, San Bernardino and most recently,
Orlando—American families have been thrust into extraordinary world events that can change our lives
forever. Violence is hard enough for adults to understand, but explaining it to children is not for the faint
of heart.
Sadly, most children these days are acutely aware of the implications of such events. Seeing
random acts of violence on the news, or talking about it at school, can be especially disturbing for kids. It
can shatter their innocence and their trust in the world around them. Parents naturally need guidance
to discuss this sensitive subject with their children.
Much as we’d like to just flip off the television and pretend to our children that nothing has happened
(and I understand the impulse, believe me), that would actually do our kids a great injustice. Because,
even though we hate to think of it, they’ve more than likely heard something about it already. And what
they imagine may be even worse than the facts. So it is essential that we speak honestly and
reassuringly to our children, in language they can comprehend and digest.
The experience of September 11 th and other tragedies have taught us that children benefit greatly by
having age-appropriate information, and by learning important coping skills for the future. It is my hope
that this information will serve as a helpful tool for discussing these kinds of tragedies with your
children, and that it will help your children cope in the weeks, months and years to come.
First, put violence into context for your child. Begin by asking your child what he has heard about the
event. Let his questions guide your discussion. If you do not have the answer, be honest and tell your
child that you will try to find the answer. Having information will take away some of the confusion and
help her feel better. This is a good time to remind her that it is never okay for a person to hurt
themselves or others to feel better.
Here are some suggested responses to possible questions or comments from your child.
Why did they do this?
“America has always been a country that celebrates differences. The Statue of Liberty reminds us that
every kind of person lives in America. We look different, act differently and like different things. Just
think how boring the world would be if we were all the same! But sometimes differences can make
people feel divided—they think that everyone should be just like them. These differences can cause
misunderstandings, disagreements, and anger. Sometimes people even get so angry they do terrible
things.”
There are so many bad people in the world.
“There are some terrible people in the world—but there are many more good people! Just think of all
the good people you know. And your family loves you and will do everything to keep you safe!”
I’m scared.
“That’s totally understandable. And it’s really good that you’re sharing those feelings, because when
people keep their feelings locked up inside, it can cause aches and pains! I know the news can sound
really scary, so we’re going to take a break from the TV and radio for a while. Now let’s find a way to
help you express those feelings: You can draw a picture of how you feel, listen to music, write a
poem—or do something fun, like go outside to play and get some exercise! And you know, it’s always
okay to cry, too, if you feel really bad. I’m here, and you can come to me. So why don’t we start with a
hug!”
NOTE: It’s helpful to listen to your child’s questions and concerns with empathy, and without judgment.
Validate his feelings and show him your love and emotional support, even if you disagree. Always try to
avoid telling him how he “should” feel. Learning how to understand and manage his emotions will be
something he will take with him for the rest of his life.
Who’s going to protect us?
“It’s very unlikely that something terrible will happen here. But if it did, our government, our police and
fire departments are very well-trained and well-prepared to protect you. Your teachers and principal will
be doing everything to protect you, too. And I will make sure you are safe. So now we’re going to
continue doing all the things we usually do—nothing is going to change!”
What do we do if something does happen here?
“Let’s create an action plan. We’ll probably never need it, but it’s always good to be prepared for
anything. We can create an emergency kit, with water and food that will keep, a radio and extra
batteries, and anything you’d like to have with you—like crayons and paper, a deck of cards, a good
book. Then, let’s sit down and make a list of all the fun things we’re going to do—like planning where to
go on summer vacation, and what movies we want to see. Because those things are definitely going to
happen!”
How can I keep myself safe?
“Grownups are in charge of keeping all of us safe, but you do have a very important job: You need to
take care of your health, because there’s only one you! I’m going to help you make sure to get plenty of
rest, exercise your body and brain, wear your seat belt in the car, wear your helmet when you’re riding
your bike, and see the doctor and dentist when you’re supposed to! But it’s also important to have fun
to keep your mood healthy. Always talk to someone who cares about you if there’s anything that’s
making you feel bad. And make sure to do at least one thing every day that makes you happy!”
How can I help?
“What a wonderful question! There are lots of things you can do: You can write a letter or draw a
picture for a child who’s been affected by a terrible event and let them know they have a friend. We can
send a care package to someone in our military who is overseas trying to protect us. You can create or
join in a fundraiser for a relief organization. You can even donate toys or clothes to children here in our
city who need help. It’s important to share kindness wherever you are and wherever you go. That’s
what’s going to change the world.”
Denise Daniels is a Peabody award-winning broadcast journalist, parenting and child development expert and author who specializes in the social and emotional development of children.